Boy, just when all seems to be going along fine all of a sudden out of nowhere this Shame thing hits me right across the face. OUCH!! AGAIN... I talk to it and say I thought I was done with you. Shame always snickers and laughs. Then says "Me too, but here I am and what are you going to do about it?" Inside it feels like another challenge that I want to win but deep down I don't think I ever will. It is the The Never Ending Shame Story.
Shame is a feeling that I will never get rid of but I can learn to tame it and control how strong it roars its ugliness.
My mom told a friend once that I was a mistake and I overheard her. I remember a feeling of dread and heaviness in my stomach when I heard those words. As an adult I can say that she just meant I was not planned. However, that little girl I was at the time took those words and turned them to the lies that to this day I believe when I am at my lowest. That I am not loved and that I am a mistake. My shame is also all about my not good enough. Always looking where I am not succeeding and never where I am.
To this day I find myself going into that feeling whenever someone wants to talk about me or something I may have done that they may not have liked. It feels heavy and and I want to run away all over again. Today as I write this I have decided to learn to love my shame and have a relationship with it. I now know that I can't just put it a side and be surprised when it shows up again. I get to work on making shame my friend and see the goodness in it. It keeps me honest and in integrity. If I run from it, I run from a part of me and my past instead of accepting who I am completely in and out of the shame. Shame is not something I should hate or try to run from. Which by the way is like running from a spider web after you stepped right through it. The more you try to bat it away the more you feel it all over you. I think you know what I am talking about.
My shame gives me an opportunity in the moment to choose whether I am a mistake or if mistakes are something I make and learn from.
Are you friends with your shame or is it the never ending story of spiderweb doom? Check in and reach out it you need to. Got Shame? Me too!